Theres a 1st Time for everything!

OK, so I've decided to start a blog. My main reason for doing this is as a diary of my struggles with my weight and eating, mainly for myself but also in the hope that someone out there can relate to what it's like to have disordered eating patterns.

No-one knows about this. Not my lovely, supportive boyfriend, not my family and not even my closest friends. I decided to stay anonymous as I may from time to time write things that they don't know about me and things that might cause them pain if they found out.

A bit about me, I'm 30 something, female, live in the UK with my boyfriend of 4 years and our animals. I had bulimia as a teenager and young adult but although I managed to stop purging, the binge and comfort eating part of the disease has not been so easy to kick which means I am now technically obese. I wear a size 18/20 and I'm 5" 9 tall.

I live permanently with the knowledge my doctors are telling me to lose weight whilst the fear of getting obsessive and falling back into old habits stops me from ever achieving much in terms of weight loss. I find loosing weight sensibly very hard to do and I punish myself hard for the slightest slip up (a habit I am trying hard to break) and every time there is stress or disturbance in my life, I'm guaranteed to either overeat or starve myself depending on how upset I am.

I also have IBS and gastric reflux as a result of my previous binging so recently the doctors put me on a tiny dose of Prozac. Only 20 mg as a 'relaxant' to try and ease my symptoms. HA! unfortunately it had the opposite effect, made me more depressed than I'd be for ages and cue the resurgence of my purging behaviour after 9 years of being 'clean'. Needless to say I stopped the Prozac asap and thankfully the behaviour stopped with it. I was left with anorexia for a weeks afterwards while the drugs wore off though which thankfully has passed.

My dietitian has recommended the GI diet to me and I find it does work when I stick to it. I have a major sugar addiction which the GI thing should help me to kick but it won't be easy. The reason my user name is Jellybean is because that's what I'm eating right now! I love the little American style ones you get in Sainsbury's.

I'm hoping that this blog won't be all doom and gloom although the introduction hasn't been to bright and rosy. one of the reasons I think this will be good for me is to allow myself to put my life into perspective and gain some control over my situation so making it lighter and having a laugh will be important. One thing is for sure though, this blog is about RECOVERY and health only.

I'm training for a 10K run for a Marie curie too so hopefully that will help with my quest to be healthy.

I've never blogged before so my apologies if it all goes a bit pear shaped. I probably won't have the time to blog everyday but i hope to continue with it fairly regularly.

If you stumble accross this and you want to join me in my quest to be healthy then feel free to follow me. I'd love to hear about your lives and what you have to do to so I can follow your blogs too.